Jeanie's Thoughts

Here are a few writings by Jeanie Pullen on the general subject of Life Teachings.

Preparing for the First Day of School

"In our lives, people and experiences have formed who we are at this moment."

Tomorrow is the first day of school for many U.S. elementary and secondary students.  During these last weeks, shopping lists were prepared at home and supply lists were sent from the schools.  In the rush of attending to all the lists, I hope one of the biggest preparations for elementary students was not overlooked.  The preparation called ‘review.’

Big ticket items that were taught in the grade completed just last May need to be reviewed.  Counting, adding, subtracting, multiplying, division, capitols, states, land masses, rivers, maps, leaders of countries, grammar - all come immediately to mind. 

If this review is done, several lovely things are accomplished.  One, the new teacher can see that the student is ready to pick up where he left off last May.  The student has completed an important part of the school equation – he shows that he has reviewed, without having been assigned, and is ready to take the next steps.  Secondly, the student’s comfort level rises. And, perhaps most importantly, the student sees the personal value of going in to something new, prepared and ready to account for herself. 

Think how much of our adult lives are spent in reviewing or in gathering new information/learning as we go about our days. The earlier children can see and feel for themselves the many positive aspects that preparation and review can produce, the more likely they will carry that understanding into their future, and in the process, possibly ease their way.

A Particular Kind of Logic

"In our lives, people and experiences have formed who we are at this moment."

I went in to borrow a small cart so I could move some stacks of papers to a room down the hall and down one floor. The custodian greeted me warmly, found the cart for me and asked me to just return it to a certain spot and he would put it away for me after I was finished with it. A few minutes later we shared an elevator – he with a large trash container and me with my small cart.  We chatted during the short ride and I again thanked him for his help with finding me the cart as we exited the elevator.

He looked up at me with his warm, wonderfully friendly eyes and said “We are here to work together.  You are our job security.  You break something, we fix it.  You need something moved, we move it.  Your needs are our job security.”  He said this with no rancor or condescension, just warmth, friendliness and pleasure.  I smiled and nodded at his words and again said thank you.

As I went down the hallway, I re-saw and re-heard other co-workers who, in a similar setting, shrugged the shoulders and said something like “It’s my job” while giving an impression of feeling overworked and stressed.  And when asked how life was going would response ‘Can’t complain – it’s Friday.”

I could almost picture that this kind custodian had been taught as a child to not complain and to make the best of a situation as his folks encouraged a positive attitude from him.  But this fellow had gone a big step further – he had added in logic that for him made sense.  It was not quite enough to please society by being ‘nice’, he needed something more – he needed logic.  He needed the why.

It was clear that he believed what he said to me.  There was no woefulness, no shrug of shoulders and no upset tone.  I was valuable to him.  My need of the moment helped secure his job.

We adults talk about spins and reframing situations. Fancy words.  The custodian probably had no name for what he did, it just made sense.  Rather than just give him more work, my need helped him.

How remarkable it would be if we helped our children, and ourselves, understand that this particular kind of logic can help us see a bigger picture of our interactions.

Is it Complaining or Whining ?

"In our lives, people and experiences have formed who we are at this moment."

Have you seen the posted signs that show a big circle with a large X through the circle and the words ‘No Whining Allowed’ underneath the X?  They have been around for quite awhile and show no sign of losing popularity. I’ve seen them in classrooms, in business offices and in secretaries’ areas. Perhaps they are in even in families’ homes.

Each time I’ve seen them, I am saddened.  The simple poster is such an effective stopper of talking and discussion and expression. The person in authority just points to the sign, and the one wishing to speak is stopped.  It quite effectively tells us to keep to ourselves any concerns, worries or complaints we may have.  It effectively leaves decisions already made quite pristine. No ‘whys’, no contraries are wanted.

Whining used to be called complaining or grumbling. We could begin our concern by saying ‘I don’t mean to complain, but …’ and then go right along and express our feelings.  We were heard. We felt comfortable with our preface and still had the freedom to express. Indeed with that preface, we were acknowledging that what we had to say may not be popular with the receiver, but we felt, for the good of all, we must express how we felt. Sometimes our thoughts were valued, sometimes they were dismissed, but regardless, we were heard.

I’ve not heard anyone preface their thoughts with ‘I don’t mean to whine, but …’  Whining is such a negative word. No one introduces themselves as a whiner and then goes ahead and says what’s on the mind.  As a result, many contrary thoughts do not get heard; instead, our not-expressed thoughts are kept stuffed inside of us and the environment has missed out on potentially helpful feedback.  In the process, adults lose the ability to help adjust and shape pathways.

Without the right to complain and grumble, children have a harder time learning to express how they feel about things, people and situations. Expressing is one solid way that children learn and communicate. 

If children are not allowed to express themselves through complaints, it may be harder for them to speak up about unfairness as they grow older and harder for them to say no to things that parents want children to say no to.  The cost for ‘No Whining Allowed’ becomes too expensive and the implications too great.

With ‘No Whining Allowed’ reminders posted and a wave of a hand in their direction, the environment can experience smooth sailing, less disruption, and authority is solidly in place.  It is comfortable for us parents and teacher in authority, but at what cost to our developing children?  There are ways to curtail grumbling without cutting it out altogether.

Being an Example

"In our lives, people and experiences have formed who we are at this moment."

I was in a cave on a short tour led by a young college student.  He was a geology major and it soon became apparent to us all that he had a keen wonderment about his field.  He regularly told us certain things about the cave that excited him and he also highlighted things that one might expect from a cave tour guide.

As our tickets were being collected and our geology major guide gathered us, we were told to always hold on to handrails when we were in the cave.  Throughout the tour our guide stopped at times to give information and to point out intrigues of history and beauty.  Then each time as we began to move toward the next stopping spot, our guide quietly reminded us to hold onto the handrails whenever they were provided.

I noticed that every place that there were handrails, our guide, himself, used them.  And when there were two rails – one on each side, he used them both.  Our guide was young, lean, athletic in build, and knew the terrain very well, for he led at least six tours a day and had been working all summer.  Surely, if anyone could avoid the rule of ‘always hold the hand rail when provided,’ it was our geology-major guide.  Indeed, he likely would have been sure-foot even had he run up and down the steps and paths.  But he always held on.

Our group was small – 12 people – and we had a wide range of ages.  We had grandparent ages, young parent ages, middle school ages, young elementary ages and a baby in a sling on her mother’s chest.  Most of us were capable of thinking we didn’t need to hold on – after all the lights highlighted each step and otherwise pointed the way. 

By following the rule of the cave, our guide was allowing us to do the same.  His quiet, highly obvious, consistent behaviors made the rule feel minor and not anything to buck.  We were freed to give our attention and energy to the cave features that were surrounding us.  He was showing us the way, in more ways than one.

As parents, teachers, administrators and leaders in other places, we many times know the terrain very well.  There can be an easy tendency to excuse ourselves from a rule because of our experience level.  Perhaps we ought to rethink.  People are always watching.  Others in our group may feel that they have reason to avoid the rule, too. Perhaps if we as leaders mind the rule, and not excuse ourselves, we can free others to deliver their energy elsewhere rather than putting it into bucking systems and questioning the rightness of a rule.  Of course this assumes that the rule is worth minding in the first place.

Tinkering

"In our lives, people and experiences have formed who we are at this moment."

Parents often ask me to suggest experiences that I think are important for a child’s development.  While I have many ideas on this, I always emphasize two that I think are very powerful, highly useful and fairly easily arranged.

The first one is tinkering.  I think all children should know how to tinker. Tinkering alerts the curiosity.

Gather small appliances at garage sales – doesn’t matter whether they work or not.  The idea is to see what makes something work. An iron, mixer, toaster, electric drill and similar items are great.  Provide a regular screw driver and a phillip’s head screw driver and a place for the work. Encourage your child to take the appliance apart. Talk to him later about what he noticed. 

Don’t worry about reassembly. The learning is in the taking apart.  When the take-apart is done, sort out the small pieces like springs, screws, gears and put them in a box.  Bigger pieces can be saved, too, if you have storage room. Otherwise, the larger pieces can be thrown away. 

Over the period of many months and years, let your child take apart many different things and save the small pieces.  After a few take-aparts, the child will start to notice that certain items have a basic structure to them.  A structure that she comes to recognize. When you chat with your child, ask where she has seen the same configuration and how she figures it works. 

Your child might want to sketch the items as he disassembles and make notes how the pieces went together.  Not necessary, but some children like to.  One day you might find your child using the small saved pieces to fashion something.

Over the years, move to bigger items like a computer, lawn mower, or car. You’ll think of others.  If neighbors, or you, are building a deck, let your child watch the pieces go together. 

Early into the tinkering, check out a book by David McCaulay called ‘How Things Work.”  McCaulay has some lovely books about how things and buildings are put together.  He has quality books that you and your child can relish together.

Then sit with your child and regularly watch the television program “This Old House.”  It is a grand program that shows how to fix things and there seems to be a tool for every job.  It is a ½ hour program that is filled with creative, specific ways to create and repair.

By encouraging a child to tinker, you are laying the groundwork for the child later to creatively solve problems.  He has seen the insides of things and has a sense of what makes them work.  Many of those understandings can be moved into future situations and designs that he might have involvement.

Buy Life Teachings: Raising a Child from Amazon.com. $12.95. Paperback, 112 pages.

Back to top of page