Chapter 10: Turning the Viewpoint

Empathy was a word that the girls learned early in their lives. I started using the word and talking the concept with them as early as when Lara was two years old. I called it "turning the viewpoint." We played games imagining that we were in the body or head of a cow we were watching in the field. What do we see? How does the world look from his point of view? Does he have any concerns? Using this framework, we looked at the family dog, newspaper articles about people, victims of fire, and contest winners. It was easy when we had no vested interest in the person or animal. It was only an exercise at this point. We each added insight from what we were picturing or imaging as we turned our viewpoint to theirs. This was not done in a school-like fashion, but rather in an easy musing fashion.

Soon, we turned our attention to people and events we encountered, not just those we read about. If a seller at the farmer's market seemed cross, we played with possibilities that could explain her rudeness. If a sign told us to rinse our bodies before entering the swimming pool, we talked of why the owner felt a need for such a posting. If a classmate got into trouble for stamping her feet on her way to the pencil sharpener, we talked of what might have produced such behavior and what might be the teacher's reaction.

Through our exercises, it was clear that changing the viewpoint revealed many possibilities to us. Whether or not any of our thoughts were accurate did not change the fact that our exercises showed us that rarely was a behavior directed personally at us. Instead, the behavior was likely driven by aspects of the person's life that we didn't know. Turning the viewpoint taught us to take the spotlight off of ourselves and focus it more on another or an event. It further encouraged us to understand that we might react the same way if we were in the other person's shoes.

When we moved into sibling disputes, we moved into a vested arena. Here, we didn't always examine the other viewpoint for I didn't want it to be tedious for them and perhaps become a perfunctory activity. We mainly used "turning the viewpoint" when we were seeking to understand a possible reason behind some behavior or response. I felt that it was important for them to know that to understand the reason behind an action did not always mean that one agreed with the action. Understanding and agreeing could be two separate things.

By learning to change our viewpoint, we all bought the gift of time concerning a perplexing or hurtful person or situation, and often the benefit of the doubt. With this temporary benefit of the doubt, we often found out that things were not always as bad as they had initially seemed.

Read another sample chapter: More Than Meets the Eye (chapter 11)

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